So, it’s confession time. The time when I’m honest with all of you about how I’m a big ungrateful snobby-snob and how I’ve learned my lesson. Yes, this is the type of sex toy review that ends with a lesson. Ready? Okay.
Some time ago, the lovely people at Toy With Me and Babeland sent me a package. In this package was a LELO MONA, a mid-size premium vibrator. And I was to review said LELO MONA. I opened the box and at first I was like, “Eh.” And my roommate was all, “What’s wrong?” And I’m like, “I already have a LELO toy!” And she’s all, “Um, so??” And I’m like, “The one I have is a clit stimulator and this is like a for real vibrator and I don’t like those as much and, well, mehhhh.” And she’s all, “You’re ridiculous,” which I think actually meant, “You and your vagina are seriously ungrateful.”
So I put off using my LELO MONA for a while, thinking things like, “It can’t be that good” and “I’m having plenty of sex, who needs this?” But then the time rolled around where I had to write about it, and in order to write about it, I had to use it. (Listen to my snobby ass, “had” to use it. What a torturous and awful life I have!)
I removed it from its box, plugged it into its wall charger, let it charge for two hours, and, when it was done charging, I just carried it around for a while. Held it, waved it in the air, pushed all the buttons, tried the six different stimulation modes – all without actually using the thing.
I held onto it while my roommate and I watched stand-up comedy that night, trying desperately to find something wrong with it, something to prove that I was right and that this item was an unnecessary addition to my sex toy collection. But, I couldn’t. And do you know what happened instead? Instead, I found like eleventy hundred other uses for it. Like, you can use it as a microphone while singing to yourself in your bathroom mirror. And, because of the curved shape, you can pretend it’s a telephone and “call” your roommate from the other end of the couch. And, because it’s so powerful, you can use it as a neck massager. And, and! Because it’s light-weight and purple, you can use it as a magic wand. Seriously, it’s the most fun thing ever to wave around. Although, I don’t think my roommate appreciated me Harry Potter-ing it at her and commanding, “Abracadabra orgasm!” all night. Or maybe she secretly did. And maybe she now wants to make Harry Potter porn. Wait, I WANT TO MAKE HARRY POTTER PORN!
(Oh my god. Do not Google “Harry Potter porn.”)
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, my LELO MONA. So, bedtime finally came around and I was all, “Alright, let’s do this.” And then I did. And then, well, and then I realized that I’m the biggest asshat in the history of asshats because it was fantastic. F-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c. Seriously, and I should say this quietly so she doesn’t hear me, but MONA is better than LILY. I know right?! I didn’t think it got any better than my little LILY and so there I was, claiming that I’m a clit stimulation girl and that this vibrator was “too boring” for me. Well, that’s false. Actual false on all accounts because (bold statement alert!) the LELO MONA vibrator is the best I’ve ever used. Ever. Maybe it’s the curved shape. Or maybe it’s the fullness of the sensations. Or maybe it’s the fact that it’s so light and so quiet, and so easily able to switch between modes and levels of intensity. Maybe maybe maybe.
Other things in MONA’s plus column include the fact that she (like all LELO products) has a lock function that ensures she’ll never start vibrating at the wrong time. Like while traveling. Or while you’re rummaging through your purse at the bank. If, that is, you’re the type of person who happens to take a vibrator to the bank. And really, with a vibrator this good, why would you not take it to the bank? And to the coffee shop. And to the bar. And to basically anywhere with a bathroom for you to escape into and masturbate.
Just kidding. I haven’t done that. Yet.
God, this product is totally going to turn me into a masturbation addict.
Maybe I should try using LELO MONA and LILY at the same time. Girl on girl on girl threesome! I don’t think I could handle that kind of stimulation though. I’m obviously a very delicate flower. We’ll see.
Oh, and wasn’t this review supposed to end with a lesson? Here’s the lesson: Don’t be a snobby idiot bitch. When someone sends you a free premium sex toy, just assume they know better, take your pants off, and stop complaining.
Materials: body safe PC-ABS / silicone
Size: 200 x 51 x 33 mm
Battery: Li-lon 500mAh 3.7V
Charging: 2 h at 5.0V 500mA
User time: up to 4 hours
Standby: up to 90 days
Frequency: 120 Hz
Max Noise Level: < 50dB Interface: variable interface, 6 modes